Good morning! At very long last, Donald Trump’s sniveling henchman at Justice, Attorney General Bill Barr, will be sitting down in the House Judiciary Committee to face griling from Democrats. And where will they even start? It’s been so long since he’s testified, and the sheer number of abuses of power Barr has helped Trump commit in the past few months are breathtaking.
We haven’t heard from him since before Trump was impeached, so there are all the questions about how Barr helped Trump abuse power by working to hide the Ukraine whistleblower complaint from Congress, and absolving Trump of all guilt related to that, and by “that,” we mean how Trump extorted a country that was attacked by one of our adversaries to help him steal the 2020 election.
And there’s the fuckery with Barr’s bumblefucked machinations to interfere with the work of the Southern District of New York AND the Eastern District of New York AND the Washington DC US attorney’s office, in order to protect Donald Trump from any investigations that might endanger him.
And there’s his precious John Durham investigation, where the US attorney from Connecticut is INVESTIGATIN’ THE INVESTIGATORS, to “prove” that Barack Obama and the FBI did OBAMAGATE to Trump and FRAMED him for a RUSSIAN HOAX. (Expect Republicans to waste a lot of time on that today.)
And oh God, all of that is aside from what will perhaps be top of mind for many lawmakers, namely what exact fucking Gestapo is he using to attack American cities and create chaos for the benefit of Donald Trump in advance of the 2020 election. You know, that little thing.
Barr released his opening statement last night, and in case you weren’t sure what a piece of shit he really is, you can read along:
In the first graf Barr says he wants to “pay his respects” to Congressman John Lewis, and then immediately tries to pull Lewis over to his side by saying Lewis was “an indomitable champion of civil rights and the rule of law,” as if Bill Barr is a champion of either one of those things. But it’s useful for Barr’s message today, which is made-up clown lies about how Antifa and Black Lives Matter have invaded America, which is why he has to send his Gestapo in to our cities to attack citizens.
By paragraph three, Barr is bitching that “Ever since I made it clear that I was going to do everything I could to get to the bottom of the grave abuses involved in the bogus ‘Russiagate’ scandal, many of the Democrats on this Committee have attempted to discredit me by conjuring up a narrative that I am simply the President’s factotum who disposes of criminal cases according to his instructions.” You know, if he was an honest man who wasn’t just a Fox News-huffing moron, he probably wouldn’t have framed it as the “bogus ‘Russiagate’ scandal,” leading us to believe he reached his conclusion before he even started investigating. But he’s not an honest man. He lied about what was in the Mueller Report, and he’ll lie today. He’s a hack.
Barr offers some platitudes about how George Floyd’s death just really made him feel things, before whining about the REAL problem (to him), which is that some people “promot[e] slogans like ACAB (All Cops Are Bastards), and mak[e] grossly irresponsible proposals to defund the police.” (Which just shows that this particular bastard cop hasn’t read the fucking proposals.) Lots of WAH WAH WAH thin blue line shit, what about black-on-black crime, giant wanking motion, moving on.
Then he defends his Gestapo shit, bellyaching about “violent rioters and anarchists.” We’ll have much more time to tear this opening statement apart as Barr gives it, and as members of the Committee question him over the course of 100 hours today. It’s all lies, and the sooner this stain on humanity is no longer attorney general — which we achieve by kicking Donald Trump’s ass at the polls on November 3 — the better off we’ll all be.
Here is your livestream, and below that, we liveblog.
Live: Attorney General Barr Testifies Before House Judiciary Committee | NBC News
11:03: In case you hadn’t heard, we were delayed because Jerry Nadler was in a car accident, don’t worry HE IS FINE. But it delayed things.
It’s getting started soon, though, ALLEGEDLY.
While we’re waiting, everybody say your least favorite thing about Bill Barr’s face.
11:09: And we begin! Jerry Nadler says sorry about car accident, everybody is fine, but the car isn’t! We are glad everybody is OK.
Nadler begins by saying HI BILL BARR, this is your first time at the House Judiciary Committee. Normal attorneys general come here all the time! Do you need to know where the potty is, or is that just that look you always have on your face?
11:12: Look at that surly motherfucker.
11:15: NADLER: After Trump humiliated his first AG, he found your dumb ass. Now let’s make a list of your failures.
11:16: NADLER: You lie about voter fraud, you’re fucking with the census, you make up bullshit conspiracy theories about the Mueller investigation, you’re a garbage fire from hell, and I hate you.
11:18: Jim Jordan begins his opening statement before Nadler even stops speaking, saying “SPYING!” Because of how Jim Jordan knows Obama spied on Trump, and Jim Jordan knows about spying, because BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
SALACIOUS UNVERIFIED DOSSIER! CLINTONS! OUT OF CONTEXT QUOTES FROM CHRISTOPHER STEELE!
Jim Jordan is not even here to do oversight, he is just here to get clips on Hannity and keep ignoring what he knows about sexual abuse by the team doc at Ohio State University.
11:25: Jim Jordan’s screaming stream of consciousness is basically what Bill Barr believes inside his squirrel brain, so we guess it’s useful. Of course, he’s getting details wrong in the timeline of his own conspiracy theory, as Marcy Wheeler is explaining in her live-tweets.
Oh and now he is showing a video. It is some thin blue line propaganda bullshit. This is Jim Jordan angrily watching his video:
11:28: This video Jim Jordan is showing is basically an AIYEEEEE RUN AWAY, WHITE PEOPLE! campaign commercial for President Grand Wizard.
11:30: If Jim Jordan and Bill Barr ever wondered what they would be doing in 1930s Germany, or America in the days leading up to the Civil War, they are showing us right now. Also this is a really long fucking video. It’s just dishonestly cut together footage of really tense moments from protests.
We don’t know how much of the footage is from the Ukrainian protests for democracy in 2014, so don’t ask.
11:34: Nadler says that video was a bunch of bullshit, and the Republicans didn’t follow the rules for showing long-ass videos during opening statements. Now introducing Barr.
11:37: Bill Barr promises to lie, we guess.
11:38: Bill Barr says he didn’t even want to come back and ruin America with his bullshit un-American notions of executive power in service of a criminal president. He was happy being a granddaddy! But oh well, here we are.
Now doing all his bullshit platitudes about how George Floyd’s death was very sad, but he’s got some statistics that say the police are awesome and WHAT ABOUT BLACK-ON-BLACK ANTIFA?
11:40: BARR: Racism in police departments? PFFFFFT. It’s more complex than that!
But anyway, let’s talk about how it’s bad to be mean to cops, and why I have chosen to send the gestapo to American cities to foment chaos to help President Crime Boss steal re-election. (Or something. Also is the sound quality very bad, or is that something that is happening inside our brain skull?)
11:45: Nadler going directly after Barr’s lies about what happened in Kansas City. Liz did a nice recap for you about that right here.
NADLER: Did you rebrand existing programs to help Trump with his re-election, as part of his tough on crime bullshit?
NADLER: Have you talked about Trump’s re-election with Trump or anybody else in the White House?
11:48: NADLER: Can you commit that you won’t use law enforcement as a prop to help Trump get re-elected?
NADLER: You’re full of shit. The protests were winding down before you even started invading with your fucking stormtroopers. Eat me, and by “me,” I mean America. “Shame on you, Mr. Barr. Shame on you.”
Bill Barr would like to respond, but Nadler doesn’t give a fuck.
11:51: We are all Jerry Nadler listening to Bill Barr’s lies.
11:53: BARR: You all say I punish the president’s enemies and help his friends. Show me ONE ENEMY I have punished.
Now Barr is saying Roger Stone was treated UNFAIR because “first time offender” (LOLOL) and “no violence,” which is a white racist dogwhistle we are pretty sure. He does say he thinks Roger Stone should have gone to jail, though.
Anyway, weenus Republican Rep. Johnson from Louisiana is reciting Jim Jordan talking points about spying, and about how Eric Holder said he was Obama’s “wingman.”
11:55: Democrat Zoe Lofgren: You are tear-gassing mommies in Portland. Is that really #BeBest?
11:59: Is our Judiciary Committee learning? Because Bill Barr is really good at lying and obfuscating and rejecting the premise of your question and whatnot, and Democrats are not letting him. Whenever he does it, they’re like “Yeah go fuck worms, my next question is about this other thing.”
12:01: Garbage mouth Rep. Johnson of Louisiana very mad that Democrats “who choose not to come to work” (to not get COVID) are not silencing their cell phones. Nadler says no, that is not a point of order, and now YOU may go fuck worms.
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